


Maybe This Time

by quietdetective



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Autistic John, Depression, M/M, heavy themes for some chapters, lots of sad johns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-07-14 23:09:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7194686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quietdetective/pseuds/quietdetective
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Collection of both finished and unfinished works i didnt know what to do with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Happiness is an Illusion

It is sort of hard to believe really. Most people associate John with the height of happiness and goofiness, someone who was never sad and could take all of our burdens away. He was someone everyone thought of to be endlessly happy, besides maybe Jade, though even Jade had her sad times and so people tended not to go to her. Instead they went to John. 

John honestly was a bit of an asshole. He was sarcastic and tended to say what was on his mind, but he always tried his best to help. He tried his hardest to assist his friends and take away their burden. 

Maybe that was one of the reasons no one saw his own struggles. 

Everyone knew he missed his dad terribly. He was the only family member he had, like the rest if them, but he was so much closer to his father than anyone else. Sure his father did thinngs that screwed him up in the long run (isolating him for crying, leaving him only notes when he felt so alone already) but John loved his father. 

You only noticed because you walked in on him crying. You originally went to look for him for other reasons, wanting to talk to someone and John was always ready to listen. Dirk was somewhere else so you figured John was the next best. You feel awful when you think back about it. You never would have found out if you hadn't decided you wanted to get help from John. 

He was curled up in bed, hiding underneath countless blankets. The heir always complained he was cold and wanted to be covered up, maybe it was just a way that this position never was questioned. you could see his form shaking and hear the hiccups and poorly contained sobs. You pause, so unsure on what to do. With John, he was always ready to listen and give advice, but you never saw him like this before so you had no clue what to do


	2. Hopefully He Won't Notice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pretty sure this was a first draft of You Had it Worse

John knows his purpose. 

Dave is the most important. John must help Dave first, before anything else. He has bad nightmares and always breaks down. John can ignore his own problems to help him of course. John is the friendleader. But even friendleaders can breakdown. 

It really started when John started having nightterrors. they were awful and he'd wake up crying, wanting to go to Dave for help but noticing that he was sleeping and hey. Dave hasnt had a peaceful sleep in a while so he wont wake him up. John doesn't mention it in the morning obviously. Dave would just yell at him for not waking him up. 

The next thing he started doing was lying. John didn't even realize it at first. He just started telling Dave he was fine when he wasn't. It wasn't a lot, but soon he was lying about marks and what time he went to sleep and when he last ate. It didn't matter. John was fine of course. He had to help Dave get better. 

If someone paid attention they would have noticed the unhealthy behaviour. John didn't mind though. He knew everyone was trying to recover and didn't have time or energy to worry about him. It was fine honestly. John didn't mind. He had Dave to worry about. 

Dave noticed John stopped eating. He wasn't sure when, but he noticed John never ate unless reminded, or Dave poked his lip with food. He tried not to worry too much, maybe it was just his forgetful memory. He knew John used to say he had trouble remembering to do such self care actions so maybe that was it. 

Then he woke up. 

Dave hadn't been having a nightmare though. something just woke him up. He shifted slightly and heard the sound muffle. He stayed still, keeping his breaths deep and slow: pretending to still be fast asleep. He heard sniffling and a quiet sob. It could only be one person. Why was John trying to hide his crying? More importantly, why wasnt he waking Dave up?


	3. The Batterwitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps it Dave shouldn't have told John he was craving cake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may try adding more to this. I love crockerteir John.

You think, perhaps this could have turned out differently. 

If you had been quicker, able to reach him before his near insatiable curiosity took over and took your John. 

Hes still there. He's still there somewhere. But. What you see now is not the John you knew, grew to love, and want to protect 

This John wore a tiara that you had found hours before, this John's clothes were blood red, this John's eyes were black with a red iris instead of the bright blue you loved, this John was not your's.


	4. Isolation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A continuation of Everything Stays.  
> I didn't want to add more to the actual fic so I put it here in case anyone was interested

You isolated yourself away.

After months of having the others ask about your wellbeing and such, you just. Slowly stopped showing up.

Stopped coming to group meetings. Stopped going to visits.

Stopped answering messages and phone calls.

You did it gradually. So much so they didn't notice when you stopped showing up.

You were happy you no longer were a burden on their lives.

You no longer had to pretend really. There was no one you had to pretend to. It was just you. You and your father's ghost.

You still denied yourself the relief of facing them though. Your regrets. You only look at them when you break down in the middle of the night, barely able to comprehend that it wasn't all your fault.

It was. Everything that happened was because of your own stupidity. Your stupidity and selfishness and obliviousness. You could've saved them all but you didn't. You let them all die and so you went back. You went back and fixed everything that happened. Made it so none of them had to face such horrible challenges that would've scarred them more than the game already had.

You occasionally play the piano.  
You enjoy the way the keys feel under your finger tips, the haunting music it makes as you strike the keys quickly or just barely press it, just enough for the noise to come. Its your own relief, one of the few things you enjoyed as much as your father had. You bonded over the piano and when you were young, the cakes you made together.

You would occasionally make them yourself and eat a slice slowly, closing your eyes to remember back when your father would run around the kitchen and leave hurriedly to provide for his only son. He would always sit and have a slice of cake with you though.

You've never been able to hold down the cake since.

Sometimes Dave and Karkat come by. rarely but still. They seem determined to get you out of the house. Out of your memories of dead fathers and broken harlequins. Smashed pianos and enclosed spaces.

Rose tries to message you still. She tried to get you to talk about the trauma. Yours was nothing compared to everyone else's though. Theirs were much much worse. You were just a fool.

You look at your walls and remind yourself. Prospit no longer exists and you don't have to wake up but the horrors in your dreams have yet to leave.

Its only when Jane and Jade and Jake come and talk to you do you listen.

They point out that they've all made mistakes. They all regret parts of their past. They can never change their actions but. They must move forward.

They tell you you don't have to leave the house yet but. They would like you to stay with them. Be a family.

You have to pretend around them. Be happy. Be a good person. Make sure not to be all those things that got them all killed.

Jade grabs you by your face and tells you that you are her brother. It doesn't matter than you're from a different timeline. She would've loved to hang out with your for 3 years yes but. She's so happy you're still around.

Jake tells you that pretending won't help anymore. It never did. You just end up sad and alone since you don't have anyone to go to. No one who knows the real you.

When you think about it, you aren't sure who the real John is anymore.

Jane asks you to move in with her and the others. And her father.

You can't stand the sight of Mr. Crocker, the man who resembles your father so much, but they tell you it's fine. They can stay at a different home.

You aren't sure what to say. You don't notice when tears start to slowly slide down your cheeks but Jane pulls you close and suddenly your surrounded by warmth and

Its so similar to your father's loving hug.

You go with them, leaving your father's hat home for once as you go for a walk with your family. Maybe to your new home.


End file.
